


living the high life

by serenfire



Category: The Umbrella Academy (Comics), The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkward Older Sibling Diego Hargreeves, But not from whom you'd expect, Chilling With the Fam, Everybody's Resting and Recuperating in the Mansion, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Humor with a Heart, Recreational Drug Use, Sibling Bonding, They Stop the Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-17 16:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18102011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenfire/pseuds/serenfire
Summary: “What isup, motherfuckers!” shouts Vanya from the top of the banister.Diego and Allison exchange looks with each other from their spot in the doorway.Allison tilts her head at Vanya, raising an eyebrow.Diego opts for the more direct route. “The ceiling, motherfucker.”





	living the high life

**Author's Note:**

> vanya: look bro, it’s the good kush!
> 
> diego: it’s klaus's collection, how good can it be?

“What is _up_ , mother _fuckers_!” shouts Vanya from the top of the banister.

Diego and Allison exchange looks with each other from their spot in the doorway.

Allison tilts her head at Vanya, raising an eyebrow.

Diego opts for the more direct route. “The ceiling, motherfucker.”

He takes the pencil out from behind his ear and uses it to point at the map in Allison’s hands, turning back and whispering at her. Vanya groans and scales down the stairs like it’s a runway, taking a gigantic leap down each step.

She ends up right behind the whispering siblings, and peeks up over their shoulders. She is almost at eye level with their shoulders, so it kind of works. She leans in. “What are you working on?”

Allison jolts, turning around and poking Vanya in the side.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” Vanya complains, stepping back and doubling over. “You know where my ticklish spots are.”

Allison takes the Sharpie behind her ear and furiously writes on her notepad, turning it around so Vanya can see WHAT’S UP W U? written in Allison’s signature movie star scrawl.

Vanya cracks up even more. Both of her siblings are staring at her now, more confused than annoyed. “Oh, don’t worry.” Vanya’s fingers dance in patterns around her. “I’m not planning on sucking your souls out again or anything. Although, wasn’t that a time? Shame I didn’t get to finish my suite; I don’t want to think what could have happened.”

They’re both confused now.

“Kidding!” Vanya waves a hand in front of her face. “No, Al, I’m just imagining you going into Steven Spielberg’s office and signing an autograph in that handwriting. Pitch-perfect comedy, that’s what that is.”

Diego has a slightly constipated look in his eyes, and then, slowly, puts an arm on her shoulder. “Do you think you need to see Mom for a check-up?”

“Diego!” Vanya announces, opening up her arms and throwing them around him. “Thank you so much for your suggestions. I will be sure to keep them under consideration.” She nods, because that emphasis requires a nod.

Diego does not respond or otherwise indicate that he agrees with the sentiment.

Allison writes down another sentence: R U OK?

Vanya extracts herself from Diego to throw her arms around Allison, rocking Allison backward. “Of course I’m ok, my dearest sister of them all! So sorry, I’m trying to not touch your throat bandage—I hope I’m not accidentally touching it—”

Allison gives her a thumbs-up in reassurance.

“—It’s just been so long since I’ve just,” Vanya takes a huge breath, “relaxed! Bummed around the house. Chilled. Chillaxed, in fact. Hung out with my siblings. After Leonard started to manipulate me, my interpersonal relationships kind of went to shit. But,” Vanya puts a reassuring hand on Allison’s forearm, “I can safely say that my relationship with you has improved the most out of anyone else.”

She sweeps her other hand in a grand gesture behind her, and it lands on Klaus, who has walked into the hallway and leans casually against the banister. He is wearing his absolute finest outfit—overalls on top of a purple jumper. A sailor’s cap. Dog tags, as always, and ballerina shoes.

“Klaus, darling, you look absolutely stunning,” Vanya trips over her feet to reach him.

Klaus blows her a kiss. “Why, thank you, dearest,” he returns, reaching his arm out and pirouetting her in a small swirl. “And you are absolutely fantastic as well.”

Diego points straight at Vanya. “And would you happen to know what’s going on with her?”

“Oh, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. After all, we only subverted Vanya slaughtering us all and bringing about the apocalypse forty-eight hours ago. It could still be the adrenaline. I hear most people have—get this—adrenal glands that actually work.”

Vanya twirls. “My adrenal glands definitely work. I haven’t slept since Luther locked me in that cage!”

“That’s it,” Klaus calls after her as she returns to Allison’s side, “process your emotional trauma through humor! You go, you funky little lesbian!”

Allison is waiting for her as she returns. BUT REALLY, WHATS GOING ON? reads the notepad, directed squarely at Klaus.

Klaus sighs, a theatrical performance as always. “Okay, I really only thought I could keep it a secret from you all for a day, maybe a week at max. I have reconsidered my stance on intoxication as it were, due to the hope of seeing dear old Dave.” He clutches the dog tags slung around his neck. “But I had so much of a surplus supply of Grade A product, I really must say so myself, and I just couldn’t let it go to waste.”

Diego looks at Vanya and blinks. Twice. “You didn’t.”

“I held a grand giveaway! Vanya was more than happy to take some off my hands. Don’t worry, dear brother, I still have so much hidden away behind everything in this house you can think of that I’m sure you can get some on your hands if you want. And Allison—”

Allison glares at him.

“Oh, don’t give me that look, you’re Hollywood royalty, you’re surrounded by cokeheads so much more worse than me on an hourly basis. But if you ever wanted to try relaxing those vocal cords of yours to see if they might possibly heal, cannabis isn’t the worst first thing to try.”

Allison throws her notepad at him.

“Ow, okay, okay, I get it. None of y’all are any fun and that’s final. I’m coming through, though.”

Diego, Allison, and Vanya stand at the front door, and Klaus rocks on his toes, impatient to pass.

Vanya boops him on the nose. “And where did you want to go?”

“I’m off to do sober things. Like a sock hop. Or a book signing. Ooh—I really can’t wait to try out the new carnival nearby. I hear they have cotton candy.”

“Bring back some for me.” Vanya stands aside and beckons him forward with a flourish.

Diego and Allison look after him as he skips away.

“Huh,” Diego says, looking between Vanya and him. “I don’t seem to remember that Vanya becomes a copy of Klaus when she smokes a little weed.”

“Oh, I’m nothing like Klaus. Ab-so-lute-ly nothing,” Vanya drapes herself over him. “By the way, why the leather holsters? They’re knives. Just tape them to your back in a Deadpool sword formation. This has been: free advice with Vanya Hargreeves. But! I’m different than Klaus! Because I actually have powers that are fun to use and not a depressing mess.”

Allison makes an involuntary keening sound.

“No, no, not like that—Allison, I’m so so sorry for doing that to your throat, but I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about some good, old-fashioned pranking. Like!” Vanya throws up an arm. She carefully holds an imaginary conductor’s baton and swings it in a lazy four-four rhythm to the beat of a sound only she can hear. “You know how I was going to crumble the entire theater? Well, what if I put my efforts into—”

The mansion starts to shake.

“Vanya, no,” Diego starts.

“Wait!” she proclaims, and then does a single whoosh of her hand. Allison tenses, but nothing falls down.

From the second floor, Luther emits a startled cry and rushes to the balcony. “Hey, I think Five just knocked over my custom-built Death Star Lego set! Do you know where he went—”

Vanya just starts laughing and laughing and can’t find it in herself to stop.

Luther understands. “Vanya, you can’t break my _custom-built Death Star Lego set_. I made that as a child. It has sentimental value to me.”

Vanya flips him off with both fingers and does the worm up and down. She feels like she’s flying. “You broke my heart by trying to kill me, I break your Legos. There. Now we’re even.”

Luther just purses her lips, accepts the terms of the deal silently, and storms off back to his room.

“Now!” Vanya claps. “Who wants to go out on the town with me?”

Allison holds onto Vanya’s shoulder as she scribbles on her notepad, balanced against the back of Diego’s arm. YOU’LL BE NOTICED.

“Not if I have both of you around with me! I don’t even look the same anymore. My eyes haven’t changed color, my skin isn’t glowing, and I don’t have a violin on me. Between the famous movie star and this city’s favorite vigilante detective, I’m just tagging along. I really need to get some fresh air, though. Come on.”

Allison looks down to where Vanya is grabbing her hand. Vanya smiles, huge and boisterous and absolutely ecstatic. She sighs and allows herself one nod.

“If this will make you feel better,” Vanya takes something out from behind her ear, “I didn’t finish the joint.”

“Vanya—”

“Don’t be a killjoy, bro. Allison can make her own decisions.” Vanya procures a lighter and flicks the flame on.

Allison looks at the joint in her hand, and squints her eyes.

“Oh, have you not done weed since the last time you were on a movie set or something? I promise, it’s so much better when you’re just hanging with your favorite sibling.”

Allison looks back at Vanya. Vanya squeezes her hand again.

Allison reaches out and lets Vanya light the joint. Next to them, Diego scoffs.

“For someone who is kind of the polar opposite of the laws police try to keep, you’re very high-strung. You need to embrace the vigilante life more, dude.”

“I’m here to make sure you don’t blow up another theater, not get high with you.”

“Then you’re doing it wrong—oh hey, a bookstore! Let’s go browse.”

Vanya pulls them down the street, Allison looking around furtively as she puffs the joint. It’s only ten in the morning, and not many passer-bys explore the streets at the awkward time between the beginning of work and lunch. Still, Allison is used to being noticed, and if she was noticed for being severely injured and getting high in the middle of the day, it wouldn’t be great. And she needs to see Claire again without any more mistakes.

So Allison stops after only feeling the slightest feeling of weightlessness and hands the joint to Diego.

“What am I supposed to do with this?”

Allison gestures at the Vanya’s lighter.

Vanya pays no attention, squashing her face up against the glass of the bookstore and peering into the rows and rows of books. “Guys, look at this.”

Neither of them do.

She turns around and hisses, “Motherfuckers, come look at this!”

Diego side-eyes Allison as he also presses his face against the glass.

Vanya points. “My book!”

Indeed, Vanya’s book is on display again, presumably after the surge in notoriety gained by Reginald’s death.

Diego remembers the wrath with which Vanya described all of them in her memoir, like they had any choice in how Hargreeves made them interact with each other. He’s about to say so when Vanya turns back around, and—are those tears in her eyes?

“Our childhood was really shitty,” she says, sliding down to sit on the pavement.

Allison settles next to her, holding her hand tight. Supportive and understanding, like sisters should be. Even though Vanya almost killed her.

It’s the least Diego can do to sit down next to her as well and pat her shoulder.

“It’s not your fault,” Diego tells her. Above Vanya’s short frame, Allison nods back at him. So Diego says what Allison would say if she still had her voice: “We’re— _I’m_ so proud of you.”

Vanya looks back up at him. “But I almost killed you. Both of you.”

Diego remembers that moment; he remembers how Vanya suspended them in the air, sucked the life out of them. He also remembers Allison behind her, so close to pulling the trigger and ending it all. “We almost killed you too. But none of us did. We all made it out alive and together.”

Vanya hesitates. Diego takes the initiative, pulling her into a hug, and Allison joins them, all three of them in a squashed pile of siblings. Diego feels a tear on his cheek. Is he crying?

Vanya opens her eyes to see Diego’s hand, awkwardly clutching the joint and lighter. “Hey,” she says, “are you going to use that?”

He looks down at the weed, and back to view the empty street. If Diego didn’t know the world was supposed to end yesterday, he wouldn’t know anything was wrong. The one person who walks past doesn’t give them any heed; they are normal. After their entire childhoods, they are finally normal.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “Why not?”

Allison, having lost the notepad some time between taking the first puff and now, shows them her Sharpie-d hand. It reads, JOIN THE GROUP! <3 and Diego laughs and laughs.

Vanya has to physically put the joint in his mouth to get him to remember he just agreed to do so, and Allison lights it for him. All three of them are giggling, smoking, not a care in the world.

Footsteps slap on the pavement in front of them. “Huh,” Klaus snorts, the beginning of a knitted blanket in hand, “y’all are definitely using this better than I ever did.”

**Author's Note:**

> high!Vanya is absolutely 100% based on one of my irl friends who becomes the sweetest, giddiest, and loudest person you have ever met when even mildly intoxicated
> 
> check out my [tumblr](http://rosesskywalker.tumblr.com/)?  
> reblog this from my [pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/posts/534180)?


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